Any form of development work is an invitation to be with discomfort. Whether it is seeing a new distinction, taking up a new practice, or feeling that emotion and sensation you have been avoiding, some part of us—usually neglected or forgotten—is stretched. Development occurs through a series of stress and rest. Staying comfortable with what is familiar and certain breeds a false sense of security. Over time, one’s ability to navigate through uncertainty decreases.
True freedom cannot be attained through mere comfort. In fact, it is the antithesis of freedom. Let me explain what I mean by comfort. It is a state closely tied to either the presence of pleasure or the absence of pain. It activates the reward center in our brain and brings us into a temporary state of happiness. Like candy floss, it is a promising puff of sweetness, temporarily satisfying a craving only to disappoint later as it lacks the substance to sustain our journey.
Neither is freedom attained simply through striving (or efforting—the fashionable word that means trying too hard). When we effort, our attention is fixated on our goal, shifting our orientation to the future where the destination is. Our mind is now enslaved by the expectations and outcomes it has conjured. Freedom is in the now, yet we are not here to enjoy it.
That said, I am not suggesting that we do not dream or take aim. Notice if your mind takes you down the fork of polarity. We can have a lightly held intention to focus our labor and attention, and live into our commitment. In Integral Coaching, we offer our clients developmental outcomes to guide our work together. These are not fixed, measurable results achieved in a specific period of time but observable shifts in our clients’ way of being over time as they engage with the practices and coaching journey. Development happens in body time, and true understanding happens in stages. First, there is the awareness, then the insight, followed by the embodiment of the insight to become the change itself. We learn it, then we live it.
Discomfort is a feature of development. Hold space, and trust the process.
The concept of a chrysalis may seem cozy, but the caterpillar is breaking itself down within. The process is hardly cozy. It is highly challenging, perhaps even harrowing, thus needing a shell for protection. Then, the time will come when the butterfly exits its chrysalis, but before it can take flight, it needs to wrestle with its old shell so that it can develop the strength it needs to overcome the winds. At this time, if we were to try and save it, interrupting its process, it may lose its chance to grow, and die.
Similarly, through our development, the holding of another trusted person or community is crucial. With compassionate support, one is more able to undergo difficult experiences.
When discomfort is too intense or prolonged, one may be pushed into a chronic stress zone, and when too little or absent, it diminishes us. How do we determine how much is enough?
We attune, then respond. And we titrate.
Humans are fragile creatures, but we are not that fragile. Very little things are within our control, and let us also remember our superpowers of resilience and regeneration to heal and develop.
There will be days when our capacity is higher or lower based on umpteen variables, such as fluctuations in our physical health, emotional well-being, and so forth. Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking we can control the variables with scientific progress. We actually have much less control than we believe. This is why it is helpful to develop mindfulness and awareness to what is going on with us in response to our environment.
Here, let me offer a distinction between well-being and comfort. Well-being includes an element of pleasure and is closely related to our development. It is the life-giving water that can sometimes taste plain, and other times, sweet, when we are thirsty. To look after our well-being is to give ourselves the necessary nutrients and nourishment that will support us in growing toward our flourishing. A simple example here, choosing to not give in to my craving for ice-cream may be uncomfortable but it contributes to my well-being. Likewise, choosing to not give in to our reactivity (old reactive patterns) may initially be uncomfortable, but life-affirming. The tried-and-tested way may not be the most fitting way. The invitation here is to be alive to our present moment.
How we are with discomfort matters.
The quality of presence we bring (to ourselves and others) will affect the amount of discomfort we can bear. When kindness and compassion are present, our ability to stay with our difficult experiences increases. The challenges we face may not be easy, but we can navigate with ease. My role as a healer and coach is not to make my clients comfortable but to provide the safe, loving space with firm, gentle guidance so that my clients can develop their capacity to be with discomfort, and receive the truth of who they are.
“To live is to walk alongside death. Consciously.”
We can be with discomfort in compassion, or avoid it in fear. Now, which will you choose?
Article by Rosslyn Chay – an Integral Coach, healer, and poet. She helps her clients understand and unlock tension patterns in their soul to free them from the weight of their history. She is also the author of “The Weight of My Soul: Uncovering My Significance” and her weekly newsletter, “The Dandelion Notes”.