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We can learn a lot by making distinctions between things. When we’re able to name differences – for example, between enlivening and deadening, generous and fickle, ethical and manipulative, truthful and untruthful – we make it possible to observe what would otherwise have been invisible to us, and take action on the basis of our observations.

Being able to distinguish between necessary and sufficient, for example, opens many avenues for moving beyond technical solutions to our problems and into what’s meaningful, principled and life-giving. The distinction between feedback and requests allows us to decide when we’re trying to help another person learn, and when we’re secretly trying to get something we want from them. And the distinction between when it’s time to exert ourselves and when it’s time to rest makes it possible for us to pay attention to the ongoing energy and flourishing of our lives in a way that’s not possible if every moment is just another moment taken, on not taken, for work.

But while distinctions are necessary, we can run into big trouble when we let them harden into dualisms – an either/or, is-or-is-not understanding of the world. Because dualisms introduce separation between things that are rarely actually separate. When I say ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ I create a dualism that leaves no space for my wrongness, and for your rightness. When we harden into ‘I’m scared of speaking in public, but I love being by myself’ we leave no room for the parts of us that long to be heard by others. And whenever we make sweeping and certain judgements about others based on their gender, sexuality, politics, business practices, skin colour, preferences and commitments the dualism we create blunts our capacity to see anything else about them, and very little about our own complexities and contradictions.

Very often, if we’re not careful, our dualisms imprison us and our capacity to respond to the world. And, when we start to look at the deeper dualisms that seem self-evident, it’s not so clear that they are as solid as they seem, either.

Is it really the case that what I call ‘me’ is over here and that ‘you’ are fully, and only, over there? If we allow the dualism to soften we can ask deeper questions: What about the ways we’re always in the lives of the people we love, even when we’re not with them physically? Even when we’re no longer alive. And what about the trail of words, objects, influences, impacts we leave behind and around us? Can we really say, absolutely, that they’re not ‘me’? What compassion might arise when we start to see that ‘they’ are ‘me’ and that ‘I’ am ‘them’ in very many ways? And when we see that what we are sure is only in others – all that we despise, fear, reject – is also in ourselves?

Can we say for sure that there’s a thing called ‘work’ that’s separate from ‘life’ such that the two need to be balanced against one another? Is life really the absence of death? Is death, really, the absence of life? And can we say, with any absolute certainty, that we’re separate from what’s around us?

When our distinctions harden into dualisms we easily close ourselves off to learning, to curiosity, and to a direct encounter with the world. It’s a difficulty made harder for us because so much of our contemporary culture and education thrives on dualisms, on certainty, on knowing.

And for this reason making distinctions but letting our dualisms soften enough that we can call them into question is necessary work for all of us. It’s the work of not knowing. Or perhaps, better said, the work of letting our questions be more important than our answers.

Justin Wise is a NVW faculty member based in London. Read more of his writing here. 

Photo by Greg Jeanneau on Unsplash

In “The Wisdom of Saying No,” a presentation I give for women in leadership, I talk about the importance of knowing your very own values, and how saying “no” is often a way of honoring those values. But saying “no” is not that easy. It can trigger us to have our core values challenged, and getting used to saying "no" can take us on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride—one that’s important to stay on! Here’s why.

The reactions

When human beings are triggered, no matter how much personal development we have done or how aware we are of ourselves, our needs, and our values, there is a pattern that unfolds.

First, our core emotions (fear, anger, sadness, disgust) show up. They have to show up because they alert our body and our brain that a response is needed. This happens unconsciously and can’t be controlled, no matter how hard we try. These emotions pump a warning to our system, releasing energy that allows us to react to a perceived threat.

Second, our body is set on high alert, our muscles get ready, and the systems we do not need for immediate survival are shut down (examples are brain fogginess and disrupted digestion). Old behavioral patterns and habits—often referred to as the “fight, flight, freeze” mechanism—may also arise. For example, if we tend to hide from conflict we might observe a pit in our stomach, shortness of breath, a squeezing in our chest; if we tend to fight, we might feel our muscle tensing, particularly the back and shoulder muscles.

And third, our brain wants a say, too! With body and emotions so occupied, the brain scrambles a bit and shoots out mainly old warnings in the form of inner critic voices. The brain is not yet able to form proper, helpful, cohesive thoughts apart from run, hide, fight etc.

Having all this in mind can help us in moments that call for saying no—moments in which we are likely triggered.

Working with the three centers

First and most important is attending to the body: taking physical actions like stepping back, taking deep breaths, or asking for a moment, all of which can support you to respond appropriately versus automatically. This response might look like: “Oh, let me think about that, I will get back to you later.”

Depending on your body, you might need to engage in high-energy exercise like taking a brisk walk, or you might need to do something soothing and calming like meditation, yoga, or taking a bubble bath. It is different for each person and situation. Regardless, this physical activity is intended to calm our nervous system and, therefore, our mind and emotions.

Again, at such times, our mind is likely occupied by the inner critic—the voices that tell us we are not good enough, we shouldn’t be such pushovers, etc. (No doubt yours has its own script.) Reasoning with these voices is very hard to do alone. If you’ve worked with your inner critic before you might engage your favorite practices. Or can call your best friend, mentor, coach, etc. to talk about it. This person should be someone that is not just ranting with you, but someone who is able to listen and offer new perspectives. (Below are a few reflective questions that can help you along in this conversation.)

And as much as we might be used to it, we can’t suppress our emotions here. They have super valuable insights. They are there in the first place to protect us. Listen! Feel them! In my case I often react with anger. Anger is a protective / fight emotion and in my case it highlights that I may be feeling helpless, threatened or vulnerable. In the past that meant I might have had a volcanic eruption; however, since discovering that anger is more like a guard dog, I now use that information to find out what I really care about and what I want, which in turn informs my decisions and actions.

So, while it may feel like a rollercoaster ride, each step of this process is vital to changing how we respond to being triggered.

Here are some questions to support you.

1. What emotions have been triggered here? What do they want to protect me from?
2. What sensations are running through my body? Do I need to calm and soothe myself or do I need to release some excess energy?
3. What thoughts are running through my mind? Are they really true, or is it the voice of the critic?
4. Regarding this particular situation,

• • What needs are currently not met?
  • In what way do I want to honor my core values?
  • Is there something that I have to sacrifice to say no and, if so, is it aligned with my values and therefore worthwhile?

Nicole is a coach and educator currently based in California. Read more of her writing and learn about her offerings here. 

Photo by Ali Morshedlou on Unsplash

Marketing can be a challenging activity for many coaches building their own practices. They often find it tough to stay authentic, while maneuvering in the day-to-day business world.

As a brand coach and consultant, I've seen many of my clients attempt to do marketing in a way they were taught or shown, using models that are based on urgency, scarcity, and competition. While those approaches may work for some companies, they don't work in the long run for people who are bringing healing and transformation into the world. In fact, those methods are counter-intuitive to the healing possibilities they offer their own clients and communities, and in the end can create more stuckness for their business and headaches for themselves.

Instead, an entirely different approach is needed. One that allows for a business owner to let go of the 'shoulds' of marketing, discover their inherent value as a human being, and find their own unique way of orienting in the marketplace.

One of the most common desires I've heard people in the healing professions express is to build a business that is true to who they are. They've had questions like:

• What is my purpose & vision and how can I integrate them into my business?
• What community is best for me to support & can be served well with my gifts?
• How can I speak about my business in a way that feels natural for me?
• How can I cultivate my intuition, so I can make aligned business decisions?
• What can I heal within myself to support the growth of my business, my clients, and myself?

In my experience, to create a business that is truly authentic, differentiated, and integrally tied to our deeper calling, we need to explore our brands, and most importantly ourselves, from the inside out. In other words, do the inner exploration first, before delving into marketing.

Many of my clients who have made this commitment have experienced greater ease in their marketing, synchronicity with their business, and fulfillment in their work—and they have accomplished more with less effort. In essence, it's their authentic presence that has done a lot of the work for them.

Ryan is an Integral Coach and consultant based in Northern California. Read and learn more on his website. 

Photo by Xuan Nguyen on Unsplash

The presence we are continually developing as Integral Coaches allows us to be with clients—and to parent children—in a way that has them feel safe, seen, and capable. Addressing the issue beneath the behavior, being curious and receptive, and working to mitigate our own reactivity are all competencies that are essential for relating both as a coach and a parent.

Coach and educator Catherine Bronnert DeSchepper joins Adam to talk about the myriad ways we can—and perhaps already do—integrate these two roles, and how powerful the effects can be.

Resources from this episode:

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life by David Brooks
Positive Discipline